The first time was April 19, 1995. I was performing in Forever Plaid at the Denver Center for the Performing Arts. Out of the blue, early one morning, my high school choral director called my apartment and told me to turn on the television, there was something I needed to see. To my horror, I saw live reports from my hometown, Oklahoma City, where the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building had just exploded. At that early time, no one knew exactly what had happened. Was it an internal explosion in the structure of the building? Was it related to a gas leak? No one knew. The one thing we did know was that half of this structure was gone, including a nursery full of small children. There were many dead, countless injured. It would be the disaster that would define Oklahoma through this day. And the question rang out … “Where was God?”
The second time, I was asleep with my husband, it was early in the morning before coffee had been consumed. The phone rang … this time it was my mother. “Greg, turn on the television.” It was September 11, 2001. Two of our most famous structures seem to have erupted in flames. Again, we did not know what exactly had happened. Was it an explosion? A bomb? What we did know was that there were many dead and countless injured. This would be the disaster that would define our country even through this day. And the question rang out … “Where was God?”
The third time. It was very early on a Sunday morning. I was up about 4:30 a.m. drinking copious amounts of coffee, a Sunday morning ritual, getting the blood flowing for another Sunday … another Sermon … another day to hopefully make a small difference in the lives of my congregation. Freddie came out on the patio, Greg, you have to come see what is on the T.V. It was June 12, 2016. Earlier that morning, we learned, someone had opened fire on a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. We still were not sure what exactly had happened. Was it one person or a group? What we did know was that there were many dead and countless injured. I wonder, will this be the disaster that will define us as a community? And the question rings out, even today. “Where was God?”
It is a huge question. The interesting thing about his question is that it is asked by believers as well as non-believers. Where was God on June 12, 2016. In Orlando? at PULSE?
Faithful people of many different faiths still ask this question. Our understandings of the Divine, which are all over the map, had been rocked yet again. God is Love! God is all powerful! Couldn’t God have stopped this if he/she had wanted to?
Those who don’t follow any particular faith, or reject faith in any form ask the same question? So … Where was God? I sense that many were doing so to add fuel to their argument that God doesn’t exist or that a higher power is useless when talking about tragedy.
The funny thing? … I hear all sides and I get it. I get the sense of disbelief. I understand the anger that accompanies the seeming absence of God. These are natural questions when trying to make sense of needless violence and destruction of sacred human life. And as a clergy person, as a gay clergy person this past week, I have been in that same state … and I am mad as hell. Why God? Why did this happen? Why didn’t you do something to stop it? All questions that will never be answered or understood.
So how do we find resolve? How do we find peace? How do we move forward? How do we find joy in life again?
As a child, growing up in Oklahoma, tornadoes were a regular occurrence. Every spring our family would go through tornado drills,, most of the time on the fly in the middle of the night. We would hear the sirens while we were sleeping. My father would gather my sister and I and put us in the bathtub and place a twin mattress over us for protection. As usual and normal as this drill could become during certain seasons, it was something I never got used to. Most of the time, the storm would pass without incident. Other times, we would quickly hear of a friend or family member who had experienced home damage. I would ask my Daddy, “Why do tornadoes happen every year … Is God mad at Oklahoma?”
“Greg,” he would say, “You know how we talk about creation, that God created everything?” “Yes, Daddy” I would reply. “Well … God sent hot air blowing in this direction and cold air in that direction and sometimes, they pass on top of each other, and that is what makes a tornado. God doesn’t control the wind, God just set it all in motion.” My daddy was great at making my confusion and fear disappear.
Today, my father is passed, and I find myself saying to my heavenly parent, “God, were you mad at Orlando?” “ Are you mad at gay people?” “Why didn’t you stop the shooting!” Where were you?” I don’t claim to hear from God directly, in fact I never have had that kind of experience. But what I do sense is this. The shooting at PULSE was not a natural tragedy like a tornado. There is no preparation drill for this manifestation of evil. However, just like a tornado, I do not believe that God had any control over it. So, call me a heretic, but if God intervened in circumstances like the Orlando shooting, then I would have a hard time believing or having faith.. This kind of God would make random decisions about when and on whom violence and tragedy will fall. This is not a God of mercy and grace, but one of pent up vengeance just waiting to let his/her wrath fall.
Instead, my faith lies in God’s continual presence, in the good times and the bad.
I can sense God’s panic at the sounds of gunshots. I imagine God crouched in a corner of a restroom stall seeking to hide from the shooter. I can see a tear falling from God’s eye surveying the devastation, the blood, the carnage, the death of his kids who were just out to celebrate life. This kind of ever present God is one that I can buy into.
So … where do we go from here? I can honestly say, I don’t know. What I do know is that God, the Divine, the Almighty … whatever you call God … that power never leaves. If God is the source of all love then God weeps for us. God weeps with us. Christian scripture reads in Matthew 28:20 … I am with you until the end of the age.
This tragic event could be what defines our community for years to come. We will look back on June 12th and remember the blood, the death, the hate. But we will also remember the ways we came together. We must remember that God is present with us! May we never get used to the violence like our community experienced through the shooting in Orlando. The presence of love is the power enables us to stand as one with our beloved LGBTQIA community. The Divine’s presence is that power that will one day see us through to not only realizing full equality but also the love that will one day win and all of us will be viewed and embraced as the sacred beings that we are. Until then, I hope and pray that there are no more tragic phone calls … no more breaking news casts … no more injuries and no more death. Hate will not win … only love has that power. Where is God? Where is the Love? We are the Love. St. Theresa of Avila expressed this: (paraphrased) “God has no hands but our hands, no feet but our feet, no face but our face.” Today, I would add, God has no presence in the challenges we face unless we are present. Let’s show up!. May Love change us today.
Rev. Greg Davis is Pastor at Northwest Community Church, United Church of Christ
