Sunday Morning

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Nothing we say will ever alleviate the pain, agony and despair felt by the witness, survivors, friends and family members of 49 individuals massacred in Orlando Florida.  Nothing will bring them joy, comfort and safety for a long time.   This tragedy is so devastating that expressing condolences to survivors doesn’t even touch their overwhelming sense of pain and loss, so the more it’s said, the more it blends with the background noise.   For the survivors, only time, memories and their own grief will bring them a sense of numbed normalcy.  A normalcy that is apathetic, indifferent and disengaged with the rest of the world, a normalcy that will last for months, years and, for many, a lifetime.   For most of us that didn’t know the victims or their family members personally, the pain will dissolve with our daily life and eventually it will be seen as a distant tragic memory as we move on with our lives.

It is now a couple of weeks after the attack and I am still not over it.  I am still sad, anxious and unable sleep well.   I am still trying to make sense of the atrocity and I can’t think of any possible way to rationalize it.  One more devastating crime perpetuated to our community.  One more agonizing crime that reminds me how vulnerable we are and how easy it is for a lunatic homophobe to perpetuate horrendous crimes against us - our community.   

All of us that are members of the LGBT community know that the problem isn’t necessarily terrorism, ISIS and radicalized Muslims.  We know that it is homophobia. We know what that looks like and over all we know how it feels.   Most of us have felt it before.   The problem is endemic and infectious.  It exists across the board without regard to race, ethnicity and gender. Despite many battles we have won over the last 50 years advancing equal protection to all of our brothers and sisters or the LGBT community, I still feel that we are alone fighting for our very own survival.    

I can’t move on believing that things will change. In fact, I don’t want to.  I am tired of having to justify or defend our right to exist.  I am tired of educating people as to why the lives of the LGBT community matter because things won’t change.  We may have changed the laws that allow us to adopt kids, get married, improve healthcare for people with HIV and provide funding for HIV prevention and care and, at some level feel normal in society at large, but I still feel pessimistic about how long it will take us to eradicate homophobia.  

Incremental changes are important but they won’t make much of a difference at this time.   The reaction on the part of the elected officials and policy makers to these atrocities has not shown many changes over the years despite of the location and the group affected.   I would think that if it happens to children or at church, the reaction would be such that will mobilize policy makers to change laws and regulations so that these massacres wouldn’t happen again but it hasn’t.   It happened to 20 kids at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Connecticut in 2012 and nothing changed.  It also happened in at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in downtown Charleston, South Carolina in 2015 and nothing changed either.     It has happened in most settings indiscriminately affecting all of us over the last several years and the only consistent reaction we have made public as a society has been to offer moments of silence, thoughts and prayers.   It happened in Orlando Florida where 49 of our brothers and sisters were hunted down by a lunatic armed with better weapons than some police force in a third world country thanks to our thoughts, prayers. 

Observing a moment of silence, praying, and telling people that they are in our thoughts are not enough.  Changing laws, regulations, getting involved and becoming more active in the community is the path to follow.  Let’s not forget that homophobia is still alive and active on a daily basis and that at any given time, any of us can be the next victims.  We lost a generation of bright, talented and phenomenal individuals during the AIDS crisis in the 80’s and many of our brothers and sisters organized AIDS memorials, The Names Project and AIDS Walks to keep their memory alive and to remember their commitment to our community. 

Let’s NEVER forget the Orlando massacre.  Let’s create an annual March, a March that would take place every June, during National Pride Month, all in white as we did it the Monday after the massacre on Las Vegas Boulevard.  That should be a new March - a March that will bring awareness about homophobia and violence towards our LGBT brothers and sisters, remember the victims, and examine the laws and regulations that should change so that we don’t have to see this atrocities again. 

Antioco Carrillo is the Executive Director of Aid for AIDS of Nevada.